After the Feels

To Sarah,

For the longest time, I thought I was the most independent a person could ever be. When I heard Miss Independent I sang along with ecstasy convicted that I was a cool girl like that.  In my mind, I didn’t depend on anyone for anything, I didn’t need anyone for anything. I spent most of my time alone, never shared personal details with people and journaled to get through the feels.  I thought that by the mere fact that I could stay an entire week alone in my room, and especially while in campus, then I didn’t need anyone. Until one night I was very unwell and couldn’t move…my tummy was in knots and my entire body felt weak, so I texted two friends separately asking them to bring me some drugs, and none of them showed up.

I’m not writing to you to prove my foolishness in thinking I was all sufficient by myself. People have let me down when I needed them the most. My wannabe independence was born out of fear of being let down. I’ve been unfair to people by expecting them to be so much more than they had capacity to be- enough for me. I’ve expected people with dire needs to meet each of my own. I’ve been disappointed because my expectations were exaggerated and misplaced, even though at the time it didn’t feel like it.

Sarah, I’m writing as a warning to you ma Cherie. To warn you that you cannot afford, by any means to take yourself to a place where the only one you’re depending on is human. What I’m warning you about is staying in that place, Sarah, where you can’t depend on the only One that cannot fail.

What is it that you doubt about God that is causing you to want nothing to do with him? Don’t you find Him worthy?  Who or what is that that’s worthy of you, of your attention, of your dedication, of your devotion more than God is? What really are they giving you, love? Love isn’t just Love, and simplifying something as beautifully complex as love could have you missing out big time on the treasures that come with finding the true form of it.

Are they without end? Are they always going to be there? Are they only good and never anything less?

Because if they aren’t then they’re not more deserving of you than God is. They do not know your true worth and value because they’re also created like you. They cannot be your god because they’re creatures like you. They cannot be sufficient or enough because they aren’t like God. Leaning on them is like leaning on a spider’s web, it will soon give way. Only God has no need for anyone to be complete. He is complete in himself and that’s why He is able to be sufficient for us.

I don’t think you hate God, even though where you are automatically puts you at odds with him so much that you would think He hates you. Yet that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Your feeling like He couldn’t possibly be there with you, right now, is evidence that even your innermost being testifies of His Purity. That while as God is Love, God is also Holy.  There are places He cannot stay. No one is asking you to deny what you feel, but desires don’t make up your identity. Feeling is only human, but feelings are too fleeting for us to build our entire identity on. And when those feelings change, as feelings often do, you entire being crumbles down along with them.

What may feel like freedom right now couldn’t be anything less. True freedom isn’t your being able to do what you want, true freedom is in being able to choose that which is right no matter how difficult it may seem, no matter what is at stake. Because the latter form of freedom is for the long haul, while the former only brings with it momentary pleasure with lots of chains, including the chain of having to be at odds with people who have loved you the most, your family. You’re not free if you can’t do without it.

What you’re chasing is limited in its ability to give you what you need. Every person is just as needy as you are. They’re not strong enough to be your only source of strength, they don’t have power to heal your wounds. People are limited by their humanity.  This is a warning because the storms will come, and when they do, no one in your boat is going to be able to calm them. Only Jesus can. Don’t throw Him off your boat. He can only Love, He can only be good, He can only do right…and if you let Him, He will only do right by you.

What comes into your mind when you think about God is the most important thing about you.

~A.W Tozer

Truly,

Sent from heaven.

(If there’s a ‘Sarah’ that you love that’s learning how to live with God, be kind and bold enough to share this with her)